The Capitalist Pull of the US

I spent 11 months in Europe. During those 11 months, I brought 4 suitcases from home – not an insignificant number of things but a significant downgrade from how I lived in the US. Even so, I had far more than my European roommates brought as we all moved into our flat together. During my time abroad, I didn’t feel as though I was lacking anything important. I had clothes, skincare, journals, and some electronics that made life a little more enjoyable. I moved into a furnished apartment but still needed to buy some basics – clothes hangers, some string lights, candles, a cozy comforter, and a few organization pieces. Beyond that, my life was essentially set and I could easily walk by home décor stores without feeling a gravitational pull towards emptying my paycheck.

Around the holidays, I nearly forgot about buying presents for friends and family. In part because they were far away but also, I didn’t feel as though there was an external pressure to do so. It didn’t feel like my worth as a friend, daughter, sister, or coworker depended on the gift I bought for that person as I had sometimes felt in the States. Gift-giving felt a bit more optional and special because of that – like it was a small token and gesture of love.

In Spain, I always felt like I had enough and I had far less than I ever had in Raleigh. Why is that?

It’s only after being home for a month and moving into an unfurnished apartment that I’m realizing the effect of social media, peers, and the pressure of instant gratification. I suddenly feel like I’m lacking and unfulfilled. Could this be in part because I’m living in an empty space? Sure. But that doesn’t explain my desire for a fake flame essential oil diffuser or a facial steamer. What’s changed really? Do I no longer have access to an entire city on my doorstep? No. Am I suddenly earning more money? Definitely not. Do I not have friends to spend time with? Nope.

It’s the culture.

In the US, we’re conditioned to want more. To want to grow in every way possible – financially, personally, our careers, our businesses, our physical spaces. It never feels like enough. Moreover, you need it now. Instant gratification feels good – you don’t want to wait for something when you can get it immediately. It’s honestly exhausting and something I never noticed before leaving. Daily, I find myself trying to remind myself that I don’t need the “perfect” couch or the newest model of some random efficiency gadget.

In Spain, there was beauty in doing things slowly and taking your time. We let our laundry dry on the roof and while that was initially so frustrating for me, I grew to love it. I loved the experience of going up to my rooftop and having quiet time while I hung each item of clothing by hand. Then, when I took them down a few hours later, the freshness of the clothes made me realize how worthwhile it is to do things slowly and with love.

I hope to find that balance back here in the US as I reacclimate. I want to remind myself daily that I don’t need to rush through my life or be the best in every way. Perfection is an unattainable goal and there’s so much love and beauty to be experienced in the journey I have in front of me. That’s where life is lived despite what social media and the world of big business tells me. Where I am and what I have is not only enough, but plenty.

Solo Travel - 3Ways to Make Friends

There’s nothing quite like the feeling of landing in a new city for the first time on my own. I walk around and a smile comes to my face as I navigate new streets, explore new corners, and imagine how this new place will affect me. Adventure is at my feet and I have absolutely no idea what to expect.

Solo travel has allowed me to meet amazing people from all over the world. There’s something about being completely on my own in a foreign place that allows me to drop my guard and just be my most authentic self. But at first, this was really intimidating for me. To be alone in a foreign country? Am I insane? What will I do? Won’t I be lonely?

I have found that loneliness is a choice.

When traveling, people want to connect. They want to know you and want to know your story. In the traveling culture, it’s what draws most of us in. The sights and places are incredible but it’s always the people that stick with me long after I’ve returned home.

So, how do you make friends when solo traveling? I have 3 tips that haven’t failed me yet.

1.       Stay in hostels. Hostels are full of solo travelers and most are set up to help you meet people. They generally offer a family dinner, a bar crawl, walking tours, etc. to facilitate people meeting. Also, there are usually common areas where people will sit and hang out. I use Hostelworld.com and generally only stay in a place if it’s rated 8 stars or above. Always read the reviews from other travelers – they’ll typically say if it’s a social hostel, party hostel, or good for solo travelers. Hostels used to intimidate me but now I realize almost everyone there is of a similar mindset and want to meet new people.

2.       Take the city’s free walking tour. GuruWalk.com is my go-to here. Sign up for a 1–2-hour walking tour and use it as an opportunity to get to know the history of the city and as a way to meet other travelers. So many of my tours have ended with me grabbing a drink or some food with a fellow traveler after the tour is done.

3.       This last tip is more about your mentality – be brave. Be brave enough to be the person that walks up and says hello. Most people want to talk and make new friends but going up and introducing yourself is intimidating. We all fear rejection but the reality is that most people want to talk to you! So be brave for both of you and be the first one to say something. It’s worth it. 😊

Returning home after living abroad - the initial days

I spent the last 10 months living in Seville, Spain. My mornings consisted of teaching English in a public school, having a tostada and coffee for breakfast, then returning home to relax and do anything I wanted. My weekends were spent traveling around Europe. From England to Albania, the continent was my playground. Before I left, I sold most of my belongings including my car, packed up an apartment I had lived in for 2.5 years in the heart of my city, ended a 3-year relationship, and quit my six-figure software job that had afforded me this life I had built. And I left and it was beautiful and hard and full and pretty much everything I had dreamed and everything that I hadn’t as well. I feel like I woke up and felt myself become alive for the first time in years.

But now I’m back.

I’m back in that city I grew up in. Back around my friends and loved ones that I hadn’t seen in almost a year. Back around all the shit I wanted to get away from and everything that helped build who I am.

How do you come back to your old life?

I’ve returned but I feel different. I feel familiar urges to do things a certain way and want certain things. There’s comfort in the familiar, something I haven’t had in 10 months. But now I find myself asking, “Why?” Why is this urge pulling me towards an old habit and is it something I want to bring with me to my new self? Or is this something that made me want to leave in the first place? These things are sneaky and maybe I’m wasting my time over-analyzing these impulses when I should probably focus my attention fully on job-hunting and apartment-hunting but I can’t help but sit with these emotions tied to everything I do while I’m back.

I have an opportunity that I’ve wanted for so long – to start over again. I have complete freedom to choose where I go from here and what I want to do. But then again, haven’t I always?

My 4 biggest fears when I moved to Spain (and how I faced them)

I have reflected a lot since moving to Spain about the experience I’ve had, what prompted me to leave in the first place, and what held me back for so long. I came to the conclusion that fear was what paralyzed me and I can imagine it keeps so many other people trapped in their lives. Fear shows up different for each person and ingrains itself in our subconscious, so it’s oftentimes hard to spot. I want to share the fears I faced when moving abroad and how, when I arrived in Spain last year, they dissipated each day. A friend told me to write down all my fears when I got to Spain and then look back after a few months to see if they were still as big and scary as they seemed. Unsurprisingly, now when I look at that list after 7.5 months, none of those fears have the same hold over me that they once had. Just remember, you’re stronger than you think and doing the things that scare you also make you feel more alive than you can imagine.  

The 4 things that scared me the most when I moved to Spain:

1.       What if I don’t make any friends?

Honestly, now reading this fear I laugh. The world is a lot kinder than we think and people are GOOD. I have met some of the most incredible people on my short and long-term trips. There’s a certain bond that exists between travelers who have all taken that leap to not let fear hold them back any longer. Hostels, walking tours, language exchanges, and oftentimes simply being the first person to say “Hi, how are you?” can invite a whole slew of incredible people into your realm. People want to connect. Humans are social. Being brave and being the person to initiate a connection isn’t as scary as it seems and the more you do it, the easier it gets. Promise!

2.       What if I can’t figure out the logistics?

Alright, you capable, brilliant, beautiful human. You are smarter than you think you are, let’s start there. There is so much information on any subject available online, a plethora of traveling digital nomad blogs, and you have natural problem-solving abilities that have taken you this far in life. What makes you think that this next newest, passion-driven challenge won’t work out? Don’t sell yourself short. Paperwork, visas, and bureaucracy can be super overwhelming but break it down into small actionable steps and focus on one piece at a time. Poco a poco, you will get there. Also, reach out for help. I joined a bunch of Facebook groups with travelers going to Spain who were also going through the visa process. That’s where I found the bulk of information and got advice from other people in similar situations to you. It’s also a great forum to ask questions and maybe even connect with people and form friendships prior to arriving to your destination.

3.       I’m scared to leave my people behind.

Fair point here. Leaving everyone you know and love to thrust yourself into the unknown is one of the bravest things a person can do. Here’s the thing though, remember your “why”. Why do you feel compelled to make this change in your life? Something isn’t working. Something’s missing. You have this deep sense of longing in your soul that you’re meant for more and that voice in your head just can’t be repressed any longer.

Your people are your people and they will continue to be wherever you are in life. Facetime, text messages, and meme-sharing are love languages that transcend continents and time zones. As I was leaving for Spain, three of my closest friends had their first babies and two others got married. It’s hard to move away from your closest friends as they enter such an exciting new step in their lives. It’s hard to miss milestones and birthdays and the daily little celebrations. That honestly doesn’t get easier but remember you’re doing the same as you enter this chapter in your life and the bond you share with your people won’t be broken so easily. Fill your cup and support them filling theirs. And remember, relationships take effort so schedule some time in your life to prioritize maintaining friendships abroad.

4.       What if I regret leaving and I’m making a huge mistake?

Surprisingly, this was a core fear for me. I was so afraid of choosing the “right” path for myself for so long that it put me in a paralysis. And by not choosing to change, I was choosing my current life. I put an insane amount of pressure on myself to always know the exact right choice for myself at any given moment – which is impossible. Hard as we may try (and I TRIED), you cannot predict the future. So, living in fear of making a mistake actually inhibits you from achieving anything and locks you into your comfort zone. Even if that comfortable state is incredibly unfulfilling and leaves you depressed.

The cool thing I realized about making mistakes is that they give you huge learning opportunities (an annoyingly true cliché). What I realized was that the regret of never going would be way worse than realizing I made a mistake by leaving. And worst-case scenario? I could always come back home. Home isn’t going anywhere.